Hang on, I'm confused again. What's with the doing something sensible and helpful for their relationship? Why didn't they just get really drunk and get married in the Church of Elvis ? or have a baby? Doesn't that fix all ills?

Good on you FoxBag. Sure, I do think Megan's a bit of bobbly-chested goon, but, hey, if she makes BAG happy.

Now, Ashlee Simpson... no concessions there. Oh, no. Did you know I recently watched the whole of a movie so, so awful that Ashlee's bit part wasn't the worst thing about it? (Though, of course, it was searingly terrible, nonetheless.)

I bet you're wondering (1) why on earth I sat through the whole thing, and (2) what the title of this abomination is.

(1) I just don't know! Wish I could explain myself, but I can offer only my undying shame at having been so weak. (2) No, no ? I'm not telling you. Who knows how many of you might be sucked in by its tractor-beam of fail. I'm going to save you the suffering I went through. If my experience can help just one person...

And now I must attempt a little more Simpson triage.

Because Ash is apparently slated to star in the new 'Melrose Place' remake. I think you already know my feelings on the wisdom of resurrecting that insane-20-somethings-in-a-cool-LA-apartment-block tripe. Now with added Simpson badness!

The worst is that I know myself. I'm going to watch at least one episode of this show. And it's going to feel like stabbing myself repeatedly in the head with a fork.

Don't believe it'll suck that much? Firstly, it's Ashlee Simpson. Secondly, she's going to be playing Violet, "a small-town girl with a sex-kitten alter ego". Angels weep.

"I'm thrilled to be joining the cast of 'Melrose Place' and look forward to being a part of its new generation of residents," says Ashley/some studio PR auto-copy.

How. Will. I. Contain. My. Joy.

Oh, yeah ? joy. Like the joy I feel at the news that Rihanna and Chris Brown have reportedly just recorded a duet together (and/or got married/pregnant). I have to hope that this is just a tabloid attempt to find something to say about whole blighted situation.

But, I think it is pretty clear that Rihanna has, at the least, taken her abusive boyfriend back.

The reported recording was, an insider says, "very, very emotional... The feeling in the room was pure love." That's how it goes right after the abuse. And for months afterwards, even. Until the next time, Rihanna.

No more sub-standard men. Lots more fresh gossip ? in next week's Bitch and Famous! And, if you want more gossip before then, just friend me on Facebook.