"I traded in my Range Rover for a Lexus and I either bike or take my Fiat Bambino on the school run." Damn, girl, you economise so much that you take your second car on school runs? Respect.

"My only extravagance is art. It always has a place in my budget. All the artists I love, Lucian Freud, Jean-Michel Basquiat, Tracey Emin, Richard Prince, I've invested in."

Oh, well, if collecting blindingly expensive artworks is your only indulgence... It's as if Elle's really one of the little people; unemployed people who don't know where their next meal is coming from. Fair warms the cockles of my heart, it does.

Speaking of your next meal ? what to whip up what Kate Moss eats? Sorry, you can't, I'm afraid. Would-be worryingly thin people everywhere will be gutted to know that Moss is not, in fact, publishing a cookbook featuring her favourite (and, one presumes, entirely nutrition-free) dishes.

"There is no cookbook," says a Moss flacker. "We do not know where [the rumour] came from but it is definitely false."

Hmm, you know, I was kind of skeptical about the feasibility of getting a cookbook published when the only recipes featured are for horribly expensive champagne, cigarettes, coffee, and this mysterious white powder.

And, finally, I leave you with two little celeb news nuggets ? the first being that Sarah Michelle Gellar is reportedly all excited at the prospect of doing a one-off 'Buffy' movie. What with a diehard fan-base still around, the cinema tickets practically sell themselves!

And, second, that Joan Collins has seen her way perfectly clear to giving Rihanna relationship advice.

"I made a few mistakes," is Joan's under-stated way of characterising her lovelife, "but one of the things that I would say to a girl like Rihanna is, never go back to a man who hits you. Never, ever. Any man who hits you once will hit you again."

Then Collins goes on to remark that: "No man has ever hit me. They know I wouldn't tolerate it for one second."

Now, Joan's quite right about the fact that abusive partners will almost certainly abuse again (however great a person they genuinely may be otherwise). But, she's also basically insulting Rihanna, by implying that she tolerated being abused.

Truly, I wasn't lying to you when I said last column that celebrity and irony don't mix. Five-times-married Collins certainly doesn't trouble herself with suchthings as self-satire.

Desperate for more stars doing the tabloids' work for them? It'll be there ? in next week's Bitch and Famous! And, if you want more gossip before then, just friend me on Facebook.