His most recent revelation about Lindsay's life? That she's a prescription pill addict.

"I'm going to get her off the prescription drugs that she's on," says Michael. Apparently, the first step in getting your child help with a drug problem is to reveal all of your concerns to online gossip site Radaronline.com.

"I hate it when people talk about illegal drug abuse," continues the concerned parent. "Because it's not just drinking and illegal drugs that kill you. Prescription drugs can destroy and kill a person and are sometimes harder to stop. Look at Heath Ledger and Michael Jackson."

"You know why Lindsay's not acting in feature films right now? Because she can't. Because the girl with all the talent is hidden and buried deep inside this fungus that's grown because of the prescription drugs."

And on he goes: "She can't be herself. When you hug her she's, like, vacant inside. When she kisses or holds me I get chills, and not in a good way ? in a bad way." What exactly would be the good way to get "chills" from hugging your own daughter? Just asking...

"She's a different person. I was out there for a week when she was living at the Sunset Marquis Hotel and I would sit there and cry. It was horrible. This was not the kid I raised," concludes Papa Lohan.

Uh, yes, I think this is exactly the child you raised. You idiot.

Meanwhile, things haven't been going well for Linds in the world of fashion, either. Her work, in her new role as artistic adviser on a line for Emanuel Ungaro, has been met with, "endless snickers and rolled eyes," from assembled fashionistas, according to a source at the recent runway show.

The highly influential fashion industry publication Women's Wear Daily has called the collection, "an embarrassment."

Well, Lindsay can at least comfort herself with the knowledge that she's not Paris Hilton.

Paris is now set to take a cameo turn on the series 'Supernatural', as a nightmare version of herself. Sounds kind of tautological.

She's going to play, "a monster who takes the form of Paris Hilton," says Eric Kripke, who created the show.

"We never expected in a million years that she would do it, but I spoke to her and she got the joke immediately and signed on quickly. I give her a lot of credit for being a hell of a good sport." And an expert self-publicist.

More parenting gems and promotional acumen ? in next week's Bitch and Famous! And, if you want more gossip before then, just friend me on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/trixyhonore).