I'm thinking of having some work done... What's really been worrying me is that when I look in the bathroom mirror each morning my face looks, well, awfully mobile. It's got all this disturbing flexibility and character to it.

But Heidi Montag is offering real hope to those of us still upsettingly recognisable as homo sapiens.

Ms Montag is of course the paparazzi-grubbing reality-TV star of 'The Hills', and one half of Hollywood's most notoriously shameless couples. Heidi and husband Spencer Pratt are jointly known as Speidi, and are typically found prancing around in front of any camera that will take their picture.

What's got Heidi a hitherto undreamt of level of publicity this week, though, is her 'coming out' after being in seclusion since late November. The reason, we learn, is unfortunately not any sudden development of basic self-respect, but the fact that she's been recuperating from having 10 plastic surgery procedures done in a single operation.

The clearly desperately insecure celeb is only 23 years old, but she's felt the need to have a second, and this time ridiculously large, pair of breast implants, a second nose-job, liposuction on her hips and thighs, bum implants, brow-lift, and the list goes on.

She's even had Botox injections ? preventatively, I assume, since she's too young for any wrinkles. Oh, and, as well as having that lipo-ed out fat stuck into her lips and elsewhere in her face, she also got her surgeon literally to file off part of her jaw, to reduce her chin.

It's pretty heart-breaking stuff, really. Montag explains having her jaw filed down, talking about how the tabloids always used to circle her chin in photos and comment on it.

A number of reputable plastic surgeons have said that performing so many serious procedures at once, in such a long operation, is dangerous and irresponsible. But even Heidi's seemingly reckless doctor has refused to give her implants bigger than her current DDDs. She wants an H. He says that her skin simply won't be able to stretch enough to accommodate them.

On that grim note... from a pseudo-celeb driven under the knife by the tab's insults, to someone else equally famous for nothing ? but this one's taking on a tabloid.

Kourtney Kardashian (who stars with her sisters in 'Keeping up with the Kardashians') has just had her baby ? only a month ago ? and, to her great surprise, found her massively Photoshopped picture on the cover of the latest OK! magazine.

The mag promised to reveal Kourtney's post-baby, super-fast weight-loss secrets, but not only had she never given OK! the 'exclusive' they touted, nor even spoken to them at all, she barely recognised the photo of her on the cover.

But, great kudos to the formerly useless reality-TV celeb for not just going with it, letting fans think she'd lost all her baby weight in four weeks flat. Instead, Kourt publicly called them out, and released the real, untouched-up photo.

The original pic reveals that not only did OK! Photoshop away her entire stomach, they even replaced her head with one of her from an old, pre-pregnancy pic!

So, ja, um, perhaps don't believe everything you read in the tabs.

I wish, for the sake of Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen's kids (and his new twins), that the stories of Charlie's Christmas day domestic abuse of his current wife, Brooke Mueller, were nothing but a tabloid fantasy.

Not so, it seems.

And, whatever I think of the grasping vapidity of Richards, she can't really fail to be the better parent to their daughters. True, Sheen did call them on Christmas day. Just a pity it was from prison.