When I was in high school, the only thing I ever had to dissect was a hibiscus flower. I lived in fear of being asked to cut up a frog or mouse, though; my sappy nature just couldn't have managed it.

But, I have no compunction when it comes to pinning certain other things to a board for examination.

My scalpel is ready. Time to dissect the fashion of 82nd Academy Awards!

Let's start with something lovely ? the glorious gown Sandra Bullock flowed up to the stage in to accept her Academy Award. Sandy usually looks good, but never really gorgeous or spectacular; just pretty. Not these Oscars, though.

Bullock's liquid silver satin dress, topped in lace, and paired with heart-stopping classic Hollywood hair and bright red lipstick, was just perfect. She was miles out in front in the fashion race.

Okay, the great may be good and all, but what about the terrible?

Oh, Charlize. Oh, dear, dear, Charlize. What conceivable aspect of having the train of your dress attached at the boobs sounded like a good idea to you?

And this is by no means a first offense. Long-time readers will remember my feelings of horror at the colossal bow that ate half of a past Oscars dress of hers. Perhaps I just wasn't hard enough on her then... I blame myself.

So, this year ? madness ensued...

The cut of the dress was beautiful. The colours were beautiful. So much promise ? and then... the tit train!

I can picture the pre-Oscars scene: Things are going well style-wise for Theron, when, without warning, this train with two fabric protrusions grabs hold of her by the chest and refuses to let go.

I don't want to be too harsh on Charlze, this being her first Oscars outing since breaking up with Stuart Townsend, but between the gown from hell and the fact that mom Gerda is now back on full joined-at-the-hip duty (so much so that the photographers could hardly get her out the way to take shots of Charlize on her own on the red carpet) ? given all this, I'm afraid she has to be crowned Worst Fashion Disaster of the evening.

An honourable mention to J.Lo, though. Damn. That was some dress. It was pinkish, or lilac-ish, and shiny, and covered with some kind of webbing or netting, and there was enough fabric in it to clothe a family of ten. A family that had been eating McDonald's for every meal.

It's most striking feature, of course, was that it gave Jennifer Lopez the distinct look of someone whose pelvis had suddenly exploded and spewed fabric out one side.