After the German Houndstooth Experiment, I thought it best to go back to Proudly South African. At least for a while.

He caught my eye as I shmoozed PR agents at a media jaunt at the Melrose Arch Hotel. After three tequilas, he was dancing animatedly in the middle of the room, surrounded by boozy colleagues. Then, ever so chatty, he cornered me and cracked dirty jokes. My favourite.

We kissed, and I promptly decided I was in love with him. Oh yes I was, and it wasn't the wine talking, nay nay.

He was the nuttiest, most talkative bastardo I've ever had the chance of exchanging saliva with. The man was a machine. The intensity of his extremely intellectual sounding motormouth was turning me on and I wanted to snack on him. My mojo needed feeding ? it wanted his lithe little body and it wanted it to talk dirty to me.

Who's your mama?!

I'd finally met my match. An outspoken, animated clown. Even if he were Gerard Depardieu, I'd break him in bedroom-style.

I could see from how Holly was dribbling, mouth agape, that I'd better take him home before she did. Holly is in marketing, and she sure knows how to sell herself, that much is certain. Luckily my gay friend Jurgen was keeping his greasy paws off this one, having met a barely-twenty-something pretty boy at the bar earlier. He pulls out his business card to show he's a stockbroker whenever he's interested in someone. Sure, it may be shallow, but it works?

Back at my place, clothes flew across the room. We were still laughing, still chatting, while scratching around in my doondie-drawer for a condom.

We got to it. We bumped uglies. But there was a problem?

Suddenly, just like that, the most talkative man I have ever met, went mute. It was like a switch flicked, making him quieter than Helen Keller on an especially mute day. Worried, although enjoying what was going on between our bouncing bodies, I say: ?So... how's everything??

Oh yeah baby talk to me!

His eyes were saucers, his lips motionless. He just nodded distractedly and focused on the headboard behind us.

?So... yeah, that feels really really good.?

?Hmmph? was all he could splutter, eyes widening and lips immovable.

The previous, verbal diarrhoea man, had now lost the very same tongue which had worked so well during our initial flirting.

The sex was good, but a little, ?yeah baby, yeah, you make me so hot? would've been nice. Maybe he was nervous? Or maybe he was blown away by my repertoire? Although it was nothing special ? a missionary shag, sunny side up.

Once we'd rolled over, he started talking again. He even said, ?man, we connect so well.?

Holly said I should give him another try ? I mean he really was a lovely little specimen, and his body and perfectly shaped member did do all the right things, even if his mouth didn't.

Pillow talk and a Superman duvet

We did dinner at Bleu in Parktown North. Wine was drunk, we spoke all evening, and ended up at his apartment in Saxonwold. I figured maybe he would be more comfortable in his own environment ? what with golf clubs in one corner, and a Superman duvet.

Then, the same ritual as before ? wild scrabbling for a condom, during the frantic dropping of our prospective rods.

I went in for the kill: ?Wow, that feels so good, don't you think that feels good??

Nada.

Not a sausage.

?OK, would you prefer me on top rather??

Eyes. Saucers. Pursed lips.

Either the man can't concentrate on two things at once or he's Bedroom Shy. I've heard about these type of people, and now I'd just bonked one. Twice.

I lost my rag: ?Fine! If you're not going to bloody well talk, I will. This is me talking. See? Words. Are. Coming. Out. Of. My. Mouth.?

Mr Mute makes me lonely

Secretly I crave intimacy. But I'm the first to admit that replacing man-after-man with bonk-after-bonk possibly isn't the best route to go. Like alcohol, it fills the void for an evening and the next morning I battle the demons. Mr Social-going-mute-on-me only escalated my feelings of isolation and loneliness. I have forever battled to find and give long-term love. I have been dumped, and I have dumped some good men too.

I don't know if this has made me a better person. It's just made me harder and colder in some respects. While Mr Mute didn't quite fill that void I was hoping for, next time I'll go for the quiet guy lurking at the end of the bar, in the hope that he bursts into a vocal soliloquy while we go about our business.

I left before getting another look at the Superman duvet.

Next week Holly is dragging me to a new club. I'm being dragged, as I feel I need a rest from the Bonk & Run game. I think I'll merely watch from the sidelines. Just for once.

Note to self: Must remember not to drink any wine.

> Got something to say? Send me a mail...
> Look out for 'Sex on Stilettos' every second Wednesday. Click here to get it delivered to your inbox for free.

It sounds like you are living a really exciting life, full of opportunities and new encounters with the opposite sex. There must come a time though when you look at your life and wonder if you are ever going to find happiness in a man. I don't think you will. What I'm trying to say is that you need to seriously look at your lifestyle and your attitudes because you are destined to be lonely your whole life if you are constantly looking for a good shag.
J
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Forget what "J" says....shag your heart out while you can girl...Mr Right will happen when the time is right...bla bla blaaaaa...till then shag and enjoy it...life is too short!!!
Ian

I?m a guy ? was once there where you are now. At one stage I was involved with 7 different ladies, from 18 to 45. Wow ? goal reached! Was it the answer? No. I ended up gazing at the walls of my bedroom and saying out loud: ?Is this all it is? Is this all it is??

I don?t want to pop your bubble in writing this, but having been there and done that, all I can do is show you a road map of how it really does turn out. Sorry, but s?true!
Doug
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This is great stuff !! If you prudes out there don?t like it, don?t read it and mind your business.
Gary

Lucy, I'm absolutely LOVING your column - it's witty, refreshingly risque and promises to yield a lot of insight into the mind of a mid-twenty-something female. We have crazy sexual urges too, it's not just the guys. Enlighten them! Keep up the great work!
Lauren

Aaah fact or fiction? a weak story line, average literary skills, poor characterisation with a big dollip of over eager imagination.
J

Would love to know what your Parents think!!!
C

Ignore all the blah-blahing about ?lifestyle? choices and (yawn) evaluating of your literary skills. They are exactly the kind of predictable comments that roll in with such a delicious and deliberately controversial column. They only person who has anything refreshing to say here is you — and you?re queening it! Looking forward to your next sexscapade...
Stacey M