The loss of 'spark' in a relationship can often be the most difficult thing to bear.

Living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, using the same bathroom with someone who is ignoring us or busy doing their own thing, without regard for us, can be devastating for our well being.

Now if there?s a baby or toddler present, this kind of household becomes a triangular trap. All information and love gets centered on or is channelled through the child.

The couple spend most of their time together talking about the child, or fussing and playing with the child ? "How?s Daddy?s little girl? Come to Daddy and let's? " or "Come my precious, it?s time for you and mummy to have a little bath? "

This seems okay because we are meant to adore our children, yet we walk around in our own homes feeling lonely, unappreciated or irrelevant. We often don?t notice this in the beginning because it?s also easy to love, interact and shower our babies with praise and affection.

An unhealthy state

When last did you get treated this way? Distance between parents is an unhealthy and damaging state not only for the adults but the children as well.

"What?s love got to do with it?" Everything.

The foundation for any family is the love between the couple. It sets up the atmosphere of the home. Its one of the most powerful and healing forces we have available to us as human beings. When a baby comes along exclusive 'twosome' love must expand to embrace a whole new dynamic. Everything in our world shifts as responsibilities and lifestyle changes are dumped on us.

'Us' becomes 'we' and 'me' doesn?t feature! There is less time, less energy, less focus on the partnership and its needs. The primal relationship must adapt and change. Romance, intimacy, fun together and shared moments seem to simply vanish. Obligation and duty seem to replace love and spontaneity.

Deep down our hearts yearn for our special, exclusive connection. The loss we feel is often not identified and we find ourselves reacting in strange ways. Resentments, jealousies, complaints and conflict may increase as well as impulsive behaviour. Some new mothers find themselves bingeing on food, others find themselves desperate to get back to work or to go out with the girls. New fathers find themselves spending more time focused on sport or work than is necessary.

So, let's go back to basics

The ground rules for a love relationship pivot around being heard, being listened to and being regarded. We are together because we choose each other as the witness of our lives, of our stories and to share in and keep sacred the deep longings of our hearts. So if you want the spark back, focus on what really matters.

Forget the unmade bed, the dishes in the sink or the fact that there?s no milk in the fridge. Turn to your partner and find out how he is. Chat about yourself, your feelings and your ideas. Start off with information talk first and then make sure you enforce private time together when baby is occupied or sleeping every day. "It?s mommy and daddy time," is what your child should hear every day. Even 10 minutes to really look at each other, to talk, to listen and, above all, to regard.

No time to complain

The next most vital bit of advice is: This is not the time for criticising, for making demands, for blaming or getting stuck in power struggles. It is the time to give, to open up, to turn towards our partners, to support and to simply just 'be there'. Every complaint, every time you snap or point a finger at your partner you are killing off a bit of love.

Keep the space between the two of you wrapped in goodwill. If there is a need for attention then give it. Hold back on the reflex to see and comment on the negatives and the wrongs. Our partners are not responsible for our happiness and they are also not the cause of our suffering. Let go of the demand that your partner should do or be as you say. Choose to discover your capacity to love your partner and then choose to find ways to fulfill yourself as well. This does not mean you give up your needs and desires. You should clearly discuss them yet not see your partner as the sole source of satisfaction.

Pamper yourself

When the demands on our time and energy increase we naturally become stressed, which often results in feeling more needy. Don?t immediately look to your partner for the answers. Check out ways to nurture yourself first. Pamper yourself with long sensual baths, do your nails or go for a facial or a massage. Spend time chatting about yourself with close girlfriends or family. Join a mothers group or a clinic where you can get support. Start a daily ?feelings? journal. And above all, exercise in whatever way you can.

New fathers often feel excluded by their partner?s attention to their newborn. As new mums, dad can begin to seem like the second needy baby. Don?t fall for this. The hunger for total nurturing, feeling abandoned and wanting immediate attention is infantile. Such a man needs therapy not a wife. Men need to find ways to care for themselves first and then turn towards their partner for adult sharing, commitment and love.

Once we have embraced these main ingredients then we can add the dressing. As partners we need to have fun, with each other and with our new family. Find ways to turn routine into an adventure.

Ideas that work

Instead of a sit down supper, have a picnic outside in your own garden. Play your favourite music at night, light candles, dance and sing along. When it's time to bath baby, all jump in. When it's time for baby to sleep take out the rug and sleeping bag into the garden or onto the deck, all lie down together hugging and staring at the stars. Have a braai and open some champagne just because it?s Tuesday. Find excuses for a celebration and dress up for it. Go for a family swim in the morning before work. Change the normal routine when coming home by immediately pulling out the pram and going for a walk. Sometimes let go of routines and structures put in place for baby.

Make it a priority to find a sitter and go out alone. Or, even better, get a sitter, get her settled and head off to your own bedroom together. And yes, sexual intimacy does change during this time. Our desire and our bodies are different. The best way to sort this out is to talk and to take tender action. Spend more time playing and having fun together. Be more affectionate. Touch each other in a non-sexual way. Massage each other. Do exercise together. Spend time in nature. Be sensual by experiencing the sensations of sun, water, sand and all the elements.

Just a phase

This is just a phase, so be patient and slowly, slowly your old passions will re-ignite.

Romance comes alive when our imagination does. Reconnect to your dreams and fantasies, especially about your partner. Become sentimental and re-read love notes and pull out your old pictures and talk about the fun you have had. Indulge in keeping a ?relationship? scrapbook and add little quotes and momentoes. Romance requires giving. So reach out to your partner with new suggestions and ideas for exploration. Try anything just once. Write notes to each other, buy silly gifts, and make up new cute nicknames for each other. Snuggle a lot and bring surprises.

Romance is about mystery, allure, and fascination. It requires a tender touch and a wide-open heart full of the desire to give and discover. It?s the simple things that are the most romantic moment ? like a look, a touch, remembering a special date, whispering or smiling at your partner.

Your special 'spark' may be just one long lingering hug away.